how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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