i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
