The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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