She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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