So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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