We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
