May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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