to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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