Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
