were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
