If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
