I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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