Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
