Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
