My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
