sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
