nut hugger
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
