If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
