John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
