yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
