Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
