You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
