I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
