I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
