My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
