im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
