the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
