Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
