i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
