I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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