I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
