I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
