I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Randomize
