oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
