Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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