I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
there is glitter all over my balls
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
