Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
