she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
