Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
