Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
