Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
