I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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