Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
