Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
