I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm too high and old for this...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
