just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
