i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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