Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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