I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
