I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
