a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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